Blacking Out in College for Dummies

Photos By: Emily Sohee Stewart

Let me just preface this essay by saying that I am not encouraging (or discouraging) intoxicated blackouts caused by alcohol, but instead, informing on the process from my own point of view, while pulling from my own extensive knowledge and lifelong field work on the subject.  I feel like I have an obligation to humanity to note that blacking out is extremely dangerous to an individual’s health and may not only lead to physically harm and possible death, but also most likely to social suicide.  Think of me as your narrator -if this was a YouTube series, it would be hosted by Bill Nye the Science Guy- as you travel through the generalized journey to blacking out.  Compiled from what I remember of my own experiences, what follows is one-hundred-percent unreliable. 

A cherished tradition that Lil Dickey has accurately rapped about in Classic Male Pre-Game, the pre-game is the keystone to a good blackout.  The best pre-games are with a group of friends that join you in gradually rising to a level of drunk that prepares you for being smashed against strangers and participating in what could resemble respectable human interaction, such as conversation.  Often done in an apartment or house, the pre-game is an incubator for that night’s energy, and if done correctly, you won’t be so overly drunk you can’t make it to the party, but have a steady buzz, where the world is only slightly blurry through your half-closed eyes.  This is the time for shots of all types of liquor, and chasers of beer and wine coolers.  The type of liquor you down matters.  For example: Vodka creates a virus of sympathetic gag reflexes, tequila gives birth to nudists, and gin is to never be spoken of.  You’ve spent hours preparing for this night and deserve a reward.  Cheers.  

Now is the time for those Snapchat usernames you’ve collected to come in handy.  On a small college campus like my own, you have four options: The bar, the frats, a house, and an apartment.  If you are from a bigger campus with clubs, I praise you for your hindsight when putting in your college applications.  Each of the locations I’ve mentioned has its charm.  The bar is a lovely place to drink with people your parents age, as well as lose twenty-dollars in the dart machine (true story).  Blacking out here guarantees you drinking all of your weekly food money.  The frats are a beautiful wonderland filled with sweat, girls complimenting each other, and the sound of trap music.  Filled with generous people offering unmarked bottles filled with unknown liquids, be ready to see snaps of you blacked out on the frat’s sidewalks.  A house is almost always guaranteed to be the place where everyone you know is at, and a personal favorite of mine, flip cup and cup pong rivalries are alive and well.  Highly energetic and intense, a blackout is looming with every flip cup round.  Apartments are a lovely time, being smaller, they are by invitation only, and the hosts are almost always generous with extra alcohol.  Whichever venue you choose to spend your night in, this is the moment when you feel you a loss of limb use, the key indication of a blackout.  Puke and rally is ineffective at this time.   

I have never seen a more accurate description of a hangover in my life, than the one above.  Hopefully you have woken up in your own bed; your phone, keys, and wallet somewhere in your room.  Unfortunately, your dignity and reputation have not made it, and will be mourned greatly as you watch the Snapchat stories of someone who looks a lot like you, running a naked lap.  In the unfortunate chance that you are in an unknown bed, looking at someone else’s back while they snore, pray to James Connor that it isn’t your ex.  Casualties of blacking out are high and unavoidable.  The best you can hope for is a quick emptying of your stomach, a water or Gatorade that blacked out you left for hungover you, a phone empty of any regrettable four a.m. texts, and an entire recovery day in a pitch-black room.  You are no longer a human being and unfit for social interaction. 

This is a very brief description of the process of blacking out and would probably have been better designed if I had been blacked out while writing it.  I have always been told to write from experience, and I believe a fresh one is unmatched.  Always remember to drink responsibly- and legally-, blame your weight and height for not being able to handle more alcohol, and to not mention this piece of writing when telling your parents what inspired your actions as you sit in a bed at the Emergency Department.